I’ve been thinking of suicide lately. Not actually performing the act, but the reason for the act itself and what it means to everyone involved.

What does it take for someone to get to the point where they take their own life? And what kind of courage (we’ll get to the cowardice later) does it take to make one go through with the performance?

Sure, my life is in the shithole right now. I can’t really think of any one facet that’s any kind of a positive. Am I going to kill myself? No. Like most things in my life, I’m too much of a pussy to really act on anything, to bring it to fruition.

One of the Netflix discs I have now is of 80s New Wave videos, which has arrived to me unplanned at this time. I don’t even remember putting this in my queue and it doesn’t have any hard-to-find videos on it so I’m at a loss to why I added it. Regardless, it’s here. But while watching it I realize there are actually some music videos that I’ve never seen.

One is Soft Cell’s Tainted Love, which I was surprised to know there was even a video for. I remember driving around in my old 1973 rusty Vega listening to this song, Charlene singing along in her beautiful alto. I remember this so definitely her singing this and at the time thinking “Hey, I really like this song”, because of that moment.

Afterwards on the DVD Big Country’s In A Big Country comes on, a song that was (surprisingly) always a favorite of my brother’s. I recall that Big Country’s lead singer, Stuart Adamson, had also killed himself. The Wiki shows a desperate attempt to locate him in his final days. I tend to think Char was in a similar state, if not physically but emotionally. And while she was not directly in front of me, I wonder if I still could have found her.

Was the mishap of me & Dana being left behind by Char and her husband during our 2002 reunion, and the ensuing arguing and distancing of our friendship playing over in her head? Was this another loose thread in her life that finally unraveled her? Was she thinking of our high schools days, dancing to 45s of these video bands and disillusioned with the future that actually came to be, disappointed by the promise of those videos, the ones I’m watching right now? These are some of the questions running through my head. One thing, one thing leads to another.

I was trying to pick a CD to take with me for driving to Charlene’s services yesterday, and I stumbled upon Journey’s Escape, purchased with my first year roommate at UofH, when we both joined one of those music clubs to get 11 CDs for a penny. I thought Journey would be a good pick for the era that Char and I were good friends; we graduated in 1982.

I was surprised (and only a little embarrassed) to discover I knew practically all the words to every song, even the ones that weren’t radio hits. The biggest mistake was when I pulled into the funeral home’s parking lot Open Arms was playing and I was a big blubbering mess.

After the service (and decompressing at home) I went to dinner with Goldy and since she had missed her bus I told her I would take her out to Herndon where she can pick up her car from the commuter lot. Driving back into town around 11:30, with Thomas Dolby and Depeche Mode’s Speak and Spell blaring from the speakers I had an odd sense of déja vu. Twenty or twenty-five years ago I was taking the exact same route, probably at the exact same time on a Friday night, to go downtown and party. Destinations at the time would have been Winston’s or Poseurs in Georgetown, Lost & Found or maybe Badlands in Dupont. A-ha, Hall & Oates or Arcadia would most definitely have been blaring from the “tapedeck” at that time. Or maybe Styx or Journey.

After passing through the toll plaza I see the cars exit that are heading north and south on the Beltway but I and several other cars keep going, taking the most direct route into town. I wonder if they’re coming into town to do what I was doing years ago. Possibly.

Today I’ll head back out to Annapolis for Charlene’s former funeral service. I’ll bring the Escape CD with me again but I’m really wishing I had Paradise Theater or something by Heart or Pat Benatar. Wait, I’ve got it: Go-Go’s Beauty and the Beat!

Charlene’s obituary has been posted on WaPo. The link is here. I don’t know how long they keep these listings up before archiving, so here is the text:

CHARLENE FAYE POLEN On Saturday, April 18, 2009. The beloved wife of Paul R. Polen; mother of Samantha Leigh and Olivia Grace Kimble; daughter of Donna Pogue and the late Charles Pogue; sister of Michael Pogue and Diana Perkins. Friends are invited to Charlene”s Life Celebration at the GEORGE P. KALAS FUNERAL HOME, 2973 Solomons Island Rd., Edgewater, MD on Friday from 2 to 4 and 6 to 8 p.m. where services will be held on Saturday, April 25 at 4 p.m. Interment private. In lieu of flowers contributions may be made to the SPCA of Anne Arundel Co., P.O. Box 3471, Annapolis, MD 21403. 

A virtual guest book has been established by Kalas Funeral Home and if you would care to leave a comment you may do so here.

UPDATE: Additional photos of Char can be found here.

As a continuation of Sunday’s post…

My good friend from high school, Charlene, did indeed pass away Friday. Suicide.

How far does one have to go down a path to commit suicide? Do you get to a point of no return and is that point unrecognizable to those around you?

I’ve spent this week communicating with, or trying to track down, high school friends. Some are on Facebook, some I have phone & email contact, others I’m desperately googling to find an access point.

Those whom I have gotten in touch with, I’ve told what I know of Char’s story on the phone or through email. The phone conversations are actually best, partly because these are folks that are/were actual friends and it’s easier to have a back-and-forth conversation, but also because I don’t have to sit there and write a long letter to the others who are responding to remote emails. Still, I’ve been writing them and once they respond back, let them know the details. At first I felt odd about revealing too much, too many sordid details, but then this isn’t my story to be told and these are the facts that I’ve been left with. So I’ve given them all the information that I know.

Now I’m coordinating for the services this weekend. There are two viewings on Friday, one from 2–4 and another from 6–8. This must be hell for the family to have two viewings. I remember my mother’s viewing and it’s a weird thing to do, to actually have an open casket. I remembered the role I played there, of strongman, holding up my Dad and welcoming guests & friends, thankful for each person that showed up. Char’s funeral services (as well as the viewings) will be held Saturday at 4:00 at George P Kalas Funeral Home just outside of Annapolis.

Ironically, a previously-planned PVHS 1982 mini-reunion was and is being held this Friday evening. While I hadn’t planned on attending, now I feel compelled for camaraderie with my peers from 25 years ago. I plan on attending the 2:00 viewing and I guess I could came back into town, keep going, to the other side of the ‘burbs and go to the mini-reu. Maybe it’s what I’ll need in between the services.

RIP, Charlene Polen 1964–2009
aka Charlene Kimble, née Charlene Pogue

UPDATE: Char’s obituary can be found here.

We all slept in this morning, although I was up the latest again. That’s fine though; I’m the guest here.

After an omelette breffus made of yesterday’s fajitas leftovers it’s time for car washing. I’m just an observer to this process of scrubbing and hosing. I’m there for the comic relief. And to squish my feet into the green lawn.

I’ve also learned (through Facebook, of all things) that a close high school friend of mine passed away on Friday. I’m reading updates from her daughter which are pretty much pointing to that inevitability. Her daughter’s phone number is there on her info page and I’ll call her when I get home.